then add a 1 teaspoon of fear (just a pinch will do)

My last (short) entry about fear. The symbolic triumph of the Euro overcoming the American dollar at $ 1.50 to €1 was only a few months ago. The market today has shown another slip downwards as the dollar is now at $ 1.52.

And I'm leaving in 10 days.

I'm freaking terrified.

Life is pretty damn exciting.

Photo © David Shrigley

To begin: Theory and Action

It seems that through every system of change there are sets of theory and action. Neither can be more important but both are vital when gaining the experience of truth. To talk about riding a roller coaster (theory) one must ride a roller coaster (action). This time, 9:49 p.m. on February 18th, has been a culmination of past planning and dreaming. At least 5 years worth of fermenting a desire to seriously travel on the roads of Spain, deserts of Morocco and a triumphant return to home number two, South Africa. Thus all has been theory. I’ve bought my tickets and sent the letters crying out my intentions.

Most nights are full of fear for many reasons. Money has sadly been an idol, a monkey on my back, a tumor of stress that gives me no rest. I question whether or not I should have worked in a hospital, sponge baths but getting paid gloriously instead of my modest minimum wage and occasional affluent tips earned at my coffee shop. I’ve never been good with money, it’s always been in my pocket yet I’ve never used it with the respect or forethought it deserves. My nights are also full of shadowy figures intent in showing me harm or larceny. As my imagination whirls and spins out of control and my sleep further delayed the images become more detailed, visceral and hopeless.

But despite all that I remember the only personal quote of any weight that I take pride in declaring:
Worry is the misuse of imagination

I have also gained a philosophy and theoretical tool that I try to embrace more everyday, risk. Risk is mother of adventure and the sight and sound of adventure blindsides me with joy. If I truly desire the experience of adventure then I must weigh and examine what risks it bears. Leaving the comforts of home, distancing myself from the help and love of family, putting friendships on hold and the exposure that is inherent with alien shores, roads and hills. Beyond my own sunset is the new day of mystery and a trillion new problems to be solved. But also there are risks grown out of the hobbit’s desire, to stay home. My continuing thirst for knowledge of the other culture never quenched, the potential to show Europeans and Africans what Americans are like outside of exported media and foregin policy lost and the final division of what international relationships I had started years ago. Each side of this decision has risks. I wish I could say that I have prayed more about this decision that I actually have but if I am honest with myself I know that it has been more of a cannonball into a pool of experience. My theory is the diving board, the pool’s depth is trial and error, the water is the practice and stories I will come to one day share.

So now I gather my tools, prepare my body, sharpen my mind, open my heart and continue to breathe as the minutes diminish into what moment of truth God has set in the road I walk.

I hope I’m not over thinking this too much.